Tickle Tickle

An affirmable question is dwindling in my mind. It has been over a week since I’ve spoken to *blank*. This defoliating season in my heart is causing such trauma in my mind. Offset currents blow in and out, such of a boat being capsized one too many times. What has happened over the past few days? What changes did we occur? We spoke on the phone, you sounded troubled. When pestered for an answer you hung up on me. Like so I’ve said, I can bear almost any rudeness but superiority complex. NO ONE hangs the phone on me! NO ONE ignores me when I am angry! And definitely NO ONE make me feel inferior. Not even GOD! Even apart from all these factors you have imposed purposely towards me, I have learnt to accustom myself to controlling my emotions and to give it all up. I’ve learnt to keep my anger aside, just because you’re my best friend. But what has happened now? Just because I chose to think of someone else for just a second and made you wait at your place, I’m being portrayed as a person who uses you? Is that what you’re thinking? I’m just using you to pass my time when I cannot find anyone else? I’m sorry for being harsh but for the past months you have always been my first priority. I admit that at times I had to attend to my other friends too but there are countless times where I have put aside my fucking desires and plans just to sit and stare at you do your work or to teach you or to slack with you. It’s not because I don’t have anything else to do! It’s because that is what I want to do. I want to be with you, support you and guide you as far as I can. My desires and plans being ruined do give me a small regret sometimes but even that vanishes when we sit and crack off about something. What am I to do? You know for yourself the things I’ve given up or more like pushed away for now just to help you in your studies. But where is that going towards now? I agree I’m fascinated every time you call me for help in your studies but sometimes I feel that it’s the only reason you’re calling me for. Frankly speaking I feel like a stone being stepped on every time you achieve something and give and impression that you do not want to show it to me. It hurts when you don’t show me your compositions also. I don't know why but I just feel like I'm being shunt away. DO you have any idea? It hurts when you tell me all week that you have a test and when it is over you keep mum about it.  And it especially hurts to imagine the scenario when you’re getting your ‘o’ levels results.  I keep imagining myself waiting there with anticipation and you just walking past me pretending I’m not even there and sharing your results with everyone else but me. I don’t know why I’m imagining this but I am. I don’t want to drift away from you. Please. We need to talk. I know you’re prelims are up and this fight and talk is not going to be a boost anywhere, but pardon my selfishness. I’m hurting day and night. I want us to be us again as soon as possible. Good luck for your prelims. By the way, don’t let go if you value anything at all. If you are please be kind enough to tell me you’re letting go.

 

Sorry to myself for not blogging for long. Times have been rough and smooth the past few months. I did not see the need to express myself or to share the burden as till this issue, I’ve been able to bear it all. Sorry god for the sins I’ve made, for the hearts I’ve hurt and for the care I’ve shown. Thank you god, I’m still alive even with my biggest strength gone. And please god, bring my strength back to me not out of pity but out of love. And god, I love you. 

So much for explanations? Guess why I'm bothered to explain. If it was some other person this would not be the scenario my friend. Please understand.