Isolation

I feel deprived from love, care and concern. I don’t know why I feel alone. I don’t know why I feel incapable of many things I was capable of before. I am changing, I can see it. The ‘care’ I am putting into everything is turning me into a monster. Why? I don’t know. I cannot expect the same from others, yet why do I? I have started doing things I am not proud of. Sorry Amin, I just need it. I am not me anymore. I hate myself. And ‘sunshine’ your questions are killing me.

A light headache which started yesterday night evolved to be migraine today. I am tempted to hit my head against the wall to stop the pain. Nausea settled together with that later in the evening. My plans were postponed. Worst of all, I am stuck at home. I haven’t slept in the past few days and this migraine is not making it any easier. Everything I eat simply comes right out refusing to travel down my gullet. I am sick and I know it. But does anyone else? There is this certain someone called a mother in the house. All she could care about is her imagination of infamy in the family. Sometimes she thinks I am still a kid and refuse to let it sink that I can make my own decisions. I am grown up! Live with it! I am sad to say this, but from starting off with disliking you and giving up on everything; I am beginning to hate you. I repeat, hate! No one in the house seemed to care that I didn’t eat, was taking pills, was vomiting and was looking dreadfully sick from morning. They just went about doing their usual stuff and went out. By saying they, I mean my mother and brother. In the midst of all that suffering my mum made me pay bills and nagged me about keeping my room clean. All she did from morning was nag, nag and nag. What more can I ask for?

I was in a desperate situation to go to the doctor. My head hurt so bad I could not walk straight. I needed someone to bring me to the doctor, I needed someone to take care of me, I needed someone to sit by me, to put me to sleep, to simply care for me and to make me feel better. Since my mother was useless, I called the next person who gives all this care and attention usually; my sunshine. I called you asking for help. All I got in return was questions and remarks.

*a part of the conversation*

Me: can come? I need to go to the doctor.... (explain my situation)...

Sunshine: Why do you need me now? When you are sick you need me, but not anytime else! Where is your Vino? Is she there for you? Where is your best friend, Amin? See! When you really need someone nobody is there! There is only me, and yet you don’t want to admit it. You think anyone of them will care for you like I will? Ah? Bring you to the doctor, feed you, make you feel comfortable and all? Even your mother is not doing it, what makes you think they will? You know they won’t! That is why you are calling me!

Me: Ma, please I cannot quarrel now. I need you la, please come.

Sunshine: Call Vino la! Call your friends la! Every fucking day you go meet your friend what, call him come la! You think he will do all this? Keep dreaming!

Me: Can stop comparing yourself with Vino and Amin or not? Aiya.. please la don’t do this now. Just come ok. My mum just went out.

Sunshine: NO! I am not coming, see if your friends will come and help you. Now you will learn you lesson. You think they will? I can bet with you that all your guy friends will think it is gay to do all this! You think Gowri and Nirosha all will come? I bet it won’t seem right for a girl to be there when she is not your girlfriend. At least now you will understand that there are some people more important than you friends.

Me: Can shut up or not? I myself not feeling well and you bitch now.

Sunshine: Ya! I am a bitch what, trying to make you understand makes me a bitch now.

Me: You coming or not?

Sunshine: NO! ( hang up )

* end of conversation * Actual conv was much longer and detailed.

After that attempt everything just got worse. Something inside of me begged to prove her wrong. I called Nirosha; she is going out. I called and messaged Amin several times; no reply. I gave up and stayed at home. Isolated and sick. It has been a long time since I cried. Today I did, not for the pain but for the love. I don’t seem to get any from anyone around me. All my troubles are building up. And what seemed ‘stupid’ before is beginning to feel like a quick escape. I know it is not me to think of it so much. I am against what I am thinking and I am guarding myself from my ‘stupid’ ideas. But I know deep inside, it is just a matter of time before I let my guard down. I won’t do it; at least I hope so. If the questions continue, if the problems grow and if it hurts more; I might, just might do what I don’t want to. Finally to accept what I get and do something I don’t want to. Love all. But me? Time will answer.