Monday, June 30, 2008
Try
I am tryin to be care-free like before. I am afraid i can't do it well. I have cared too much. I can't turn back now. I am confused and sorry.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Help
*blank*
I must mind my words. Whatever I seem to say befalls the wrong way. I am afraid, too afraid to speak, too afraid to hurt you without knowing and too afraid to loose you. I am sorry. I miss you.
I must mind my words. Whatever I seem to say befalls the wrong way. I am afraid, too afraid to speak, too afraid to hurt you without knowing and too afraid to loose you. I am sorry. I miss you.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tears
I am hurt. Very hurt. Everything that matters to me is slipping out of my hand. I want it back. I cannot survive without it.
I know you still angry. Please stop. Its killing me.
To god,
why is it that everytime i need someone i just end up crying to myself?
have i hurt everyone around me that much?
are you forcing me to seek you?
why?
take the pain away, or take my life for it.
:'( the last petal fell, I am alone.
I know you still angry. Please stop. Its killing me.
To god,
why is it that everytime i need someone i just end up crying to myself?
have i hurt everyone around me that much?
are you forcing me to seek you?
why?
take the pain away, or take my life for it.
:'( the last petal fell, I am alone.
All about you
Today was day which just got more depressing by the minute. After all the fun I had at Club One 15 in Sentosa Cove, today had to contradict the happiness it brought me. I was greeted with very pleasant remarks from my mum when I entered the house. After all that discriminating words, I decided to get some ‘air’. As usual I sat on my corridor ledge, wondering how it would be like to just let go of my grip, to fall and end it all. After a few insensible thoughts, the face of happiness popped in my mind. I messaged ‘goodnight’ hoping to start a small conversation and you replied ‘help me tell her too’. This was infuriating at that moment. And with sarcasm I replied ‘thanks’ which got you to say ‘and you too.bye.’ That seemed as though I was forcing you to say it so I replied ‘err ya whatever’ and there it started a small spark. I ended it on my side immediately though but I am not sure about you.
That got me thinking the whole night, was I being too unobservant? The past few days, it has been dull. It was as though we are no longer like before. You “couldn’t” meet me unless someone came along. You are showing no interest in what’s going on. Are you too preoccupied in your own world? Or merely avoiding me? It hurts.
That day in my house, I showed you everything that mattered most to me. And just when I was about to show you my journal you walked out. I was talking to myself and I knew it than. I was not mad at you for calling him for supper or snooker. I was just disappointed.
Nevertheless I have learnt to put everything behind me at the end of the day. For you are much more important than myself. I will never want to do anything to ruin it. But what is happening? Why avoid? Just say it straight to my face. Silence hurts.
I get this roller-coaster feeling frequently now. It is almost as if you rather it is someone else.
Maybe, just maybe drunken words are sober thoughts for the night alone.I admit, it hurts to tears.
That got me thinking the whole night, was I being too unobservant? The past few days, it has been dull. It was as though we are no longer like before. You “couldn’t” meet me unless someone came along. You are showing no interest in what’s going on. Are you too preoccupied in your own world? Or merely avoiding me? It hurts.
That day in my house, I showed you everything that mattered most to me. And just when I was about to show you my journal you walked out. I was talking to myself and I knew it than. I was not mad at you for calling him for supper or snooker. I was just disappointed.
Nevertheless I have learnt to put everything behind me at the end of the day. For you are much more important than myself. I will never want to do anything to ruin it. But what is happening? Why avoid? Just say it straight to my face. Silence hurts.
I get this roller-coaster feeling frequently now. It is almost as if you rather it is someone else.
Maybe, just maybe drunken words are sober thoughts for the night alone.I admit, it hurts to tears.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
As the Petal Falls
I am not alone, I am alone, I am not alone, I am alone; as I peel the petals of a rose I fear to come to the last of it. Things are changing, for the better or worse? Yet to find out.
The class gathering was subtly happy. There were moments of anguish and tears, for what I have lost and what I have gained. It was amazing to get back in track with Sharvena and Mahes. It was painfully hurting to see the distance between Nair and me. I admit that I portrayed myself to be strong and care-free about what has happened between us. But I stare with despair when you’re not looking. I miss you terribly.
Saturday night; the most meaningful night of my life, drunken words are sober thoughts but what I heard came right from the heart. We had a good drink and a few good laughs. What mattered most were your words that night. I am sorry to say, I cried with you and wiped it away when you looked upon me. I told you my deepest secrets and I told you how much you meant to me. Instead of words as form of reply, I saw your tears and that meant the world to me. I love you so much my friend, I really do. More than anyone, anything and even myself. Thank you for your morning messages, they light up my day. Thank you for your smiles and calls, they light up life. You will be always be the meaning to my life.
Sunday night; it was full of Pravin. I had loads of fun just staring at you. I was myself again when we laughed together. I found the lost me, when I was with you. Yet, another goodbye. I need you. I need you like before. I really love you.
The class gathering was subtly happy. There were moments of anguish and tears, for what I have lost and what I have gained. It was amazing to get back in track with Sharvena and Mahes. It was painfully hurting to see the distance between Nair and me. I admit that I portrayed myself to be strong and care-free about what has happened between us. But I stare with despair when you’re not looking. I miss you terribly.
Saturday night; the most meaningful night of my life, drunken words are sober thoughts but what I heard came right from the heart. We had a good drink and a few good laughs. What mattered most were your words that night. I am sorry to say, I cried with you and wiped it away when you looked upon me. I told you my deepest secrets and I told you how much you meant to me. Instead of words as form of reply, I saw your tears and that meant the world to me. I love you so much my friend, I really do. More than anyone, anything and even myself. Thank you for your morning messages, they light up my day. Thank you for your smiles and calls, they light up life. You will be always be the meaning to my life.
Sunday night; it was full of Pravin. I had loads of fun just staring at you. I was myself again when we laughed together. I found the lost me, when I was with you. Yet, another goodbye. I need you. I need you like before. I really love you.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Thoughts
My thoughts are as follows,
To *blank*
Don’t ever do what you will not want me to do.Cause I promise to blindly follow. Loads to say but I hope this delivers the message.I know it hurts, bear with it.It’ll soon be better, don’t give up on it.
Always there,
Lavin
There is love, there is me. Where are you? It bothers me.
There is time, there is space. What will happen? It bothers me.
.
There is faith, there is trust. Which is more? It bothers me.
There is hope, there is want. Why choose? It bothers me.
.
There is logic, there is magic. When it happens? It bothers me.
There is heaven, there is hell. How it happens? It bothers me.
.
There is family, it kills me.
There is home, it isolates me.
.
There is duty, it scares me.
There is respect, it stops me.
.
There is life, it haunts me.
There is life, it haunts me.
There is death, it tempts me.
.
Now there is me and there is friendship. That is always there for me.
To *blank*
Don’t ever do what you will not want me to do.Cause I promise to blindly follow. Loads to say but I hope this delivers the message.I know it hurts, bear with it.It’ll soon be better, don’t give up on it.
Always there,
Lavin
From the heart
I am beginning to give up on everything. My friendship is the only thing pulling me through. Thank you so much Amin,Nirosha and Gowri. I feel safe when I am with you. I really love you. Without you guys I would be in the obituary page by now.
*blank*
I am not far from it but there is certainly something pulling me away; you. I told you this today; you make my day. You are the most important person to me; much more important than myself. And you told me that you are a problem. I would literally die to be with any problem you think you are. You have never been, are not and will never be a problem to me. No matter what colour the cloud is I will always enjoy being with you. Don’t ever say you are a trouble or problem to me. I swear it is not true. Thanks for being there today, sorry if I have disturbed you in any way. I love you my friend; I always will.
*blank*
I am not far from it but there is certainly something pulling me away; you. I told you this today; you make my day. You are the most important person to me; much more important than myself. And you told me that you are a problem. I would literally die to be with any problem you think you are. You have never been, are not and will never be a problem to me. No matter what colour the cloud is I will always enjoy being with you. Don’t ever say you are a trouble or problem to me. I swear it is not true. Thanks for being there today, sorry if I have disturbed you in any way. I love you my friend; I always will.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Isolation
I feel deprived from love, care and concern. I don’t know why I feel alone. I don’t know why I feel incapable of many things I was capable of before. I am changing, I can see it. The ‘care’ I am putting into everything is turning me into a monster. Why? I don’t know. I cannot expect the same from others, yet why do I? I have started doing things I am not proud of. Sorry Amin, I just need it. I am not me anymore. I hate myself. And ‘sunshine’ your questions are killing me.
A light headache which started yesterday night evolved to be migraine today. I am tempted to hit my head against the wall to stop the pain. Nausea settled together with that later in the evening. My plans were postponed. Worst of all, I am stuck at home. I haven’t slept in the past few days and this migraine is not making it any easier. Everything I eat simply comes right out refusing to travel down my gullet. I am sick and I know it. But does anyone else? There is this certain someone called a mother in the house. All she could care about is her imagination of infamy in the family. Sometimes she thinks I am still a kid and refuse to let it sink that I can make my own decisions. I am grown up! Live with it! I am sad to say this, but from starting off with disliking you and giving up on everything; I am beginning to hate you. I repeat, hate! No one in the house seemed to care that I didn’t eat, was taking pills, was vomiting and was looking dreadfully sick from morning. They just went about doing their usual stuff and went out. By saying they, I mean my mother and brother. In the midst of all that suffering my mum made me pay bills and nagged me about keeping my room clean. All she did from morning was nag, nag and nag. What more can I ask for?
I was in a desperate situation to go to the doctor. My head hurt so bad I could not walk straight. I needed someone to bring me to the doctor, I needed someone to take care of me, I needed someone to sit by me, to put me to sleep, to simply care for me and to make me feel better. Since my mother was useless, I called the next person who gives all this care and attention usually; my sunshine. I called you asking for help. All I got in return was questions and remarks.
*a part of the conversation*
Me: can come? I need to go to the doctor.... (explain my situation)...
Sunshine: Why do you need me now? When you are sick you need me, but not anytime else! Where is your Vino? Is she there for you? Where is your best friend, Amin? See! When you really need someone nobody is there! There is only me, and yet you don’t want to admit it. You think anyone of them will care for you like I will? Ah? Bring you to the doctor, feed you, make you feel comfortable and all? Even your mother is not doing it, what makes you think they will? You know they won’t! That is why you are calling me!
Me: Ma, please I cannot quarrel now. I need you la, please come.
Sunshine: Call Vino la! Call your friends la! Every fucking day you go meet your friend what, call him come la! You think he will do all this? Keep dreaming!
Me: Can stop comparing yourself with Vino and Amin or not? Aiya.. please la don’t do this now. Just come ok. My mum just went out.
Sunshine: NO! I am not coming, see if your friends will come and help you. Now you will learn you lesson. You think they will? I can bet with you that all your guy friends will think it is gay to do all this! You think Gowri and Nirosha all will come? I bet it won’t seem right for a girl to be there when she is not your girlfriend. At least now you will understand that there are some people more important than you friends.
Me: Can shut up or not? I myself not feeling well and you bitch now.
Sunshine: Ya! I am a bitch what, trying to make you understand makes me a bitch now.
Me: You coming or not?
Sunshine: NO! ( hang up )
* end of conversation * Actual conv was much longer and detailed.
After that attempt everything just got worse. Something inside of me begged to prove her wrong. I called Nirosha; she is going out. I called and messaged Amin several times; no reply. I gave up and stayed at home. Isolated and sick. It has been a long time since I cried. Today I did, not for the pain but for the love. I don’t seem to get any from anyone around me. All my troubles are building up. And what seemed ‘stupid’ before is beginning to feel like a quick escape. I know it is not me to think of it so much. I am against what I am thinking and I am guarding myself from my ‘stupid’ ideas. But I know deep inside, it is just a matter of time before I let my guard down. I won’t do it; at least I hope so. If the questions continue, if the problems grow and if it hurts more; I might, just might do what I don’t want to. Finally to accept what I get and do something I don’t want to. Love all. But me? Time will answer.
A light headache which started yesterday night evolved to be migraine today. I am tempted to hit my head against the wall to stop the pain. Nausea settled together with that later in the evening. My plans were postponed. Worst of all, I am stuck at home. I haven’t slept in the past few days and this migraine is not making it any easier. Everything I eat simply comes right out refusing to travel down my gullet. I am sick and I know it. But does anyone else? There is this certain someone called a mother in the house. All she could care about is her imagination of infamy in the family. Sometimes she thinks I am still a kid and refuse to let it sink that I can make my own decisions. I am grown up! Live with it! I am sad to say this, but from starting off with disliking you and giving up on everything; I am beginning to hate you. I repeat, hate! No one in the house seemed to care that I didn’t eat, was taking pills, was vomiting and was looking dreadfully sick from morning. They just went about doing their usual stuff and went out. By saying they, I mean my mother and brother. In the midst of all that suffering my mum made me pay bills and nagged me about keeping my room clean. All she did from morning was nag, nag and nag. What more can I ask for?
I was in a desperate situation to go to the doctor. My head hurt so bad I could not walk straight. I needed someone to bring me to the doctor, I needed someone to take care of me, I needed someone to sit by me, to put me to sleep, to simply care for me and to make me feel better. Since my mother was useless, I called the next person who gives all this care and attention usually; my sunshine. I called you asking for help. All I got in return was questions and remarks.
*a part of the conversation*
Me: can come? I need to go to the doctor.... (explain my situation)...
Sunshine: Why do you need me now? When you are sick you need me, but not anytime else! Where is your Vino? Is she there for you? Where is your best friend, Amin? See! When you really need someone nobody is there! There is only me, and yet you don’t want to admit it. You think anyone of them will care for you like I will? Ah? Bring you to the doctor, feed you, make you feel comfortable and all? Even your mother is not doing it, what makes you think they will? You know they won’t! That is why you are calling me!
Me: Ma, please I cannot quarrel now. I need you la, please come.
Sunshine: Call Vino la! Call your friends la! Every fucking day you go meet your friend what, call him come la! You think he will do all this? Keep dreaming!
Me: Can stop comparing yourself with Vino and Amin or not? Aiya.. please la don’t do this now. Just come ok. My mum just went out.
Sunshine: NO! I am not coming, see if your friends will come and help you. Now you will learn you lesson. You think they will? I can bet with you that all your guy friends will think it is gay to do all this! You think Gowri and Nirosha all will come? I bet it won’t seem right for a girl to be there when she is not your girlfriend. At least now you will understand that there are some people more important than you friends.
Me: Can shut up or not? I myself not feeling well and you bitch now.
Sunshine: Ya! I am a bitch what, trying to make you understand makes me a bitch now.
Me: You coming or not?
Sunshine: NO! ( hang up )
* end of conversation * Actual conv was much longer and detailed.
After that attempt everything just got worse. Something inside of me begged to prove her wrong. I called Nirosha; she is going out. I called and messaged Amin several times; no reply. I gave up and stayed at home. Isolated and sick. It has been a long time since I cried. Today I did, not for the pain but for the love. I don’t seem to get any from anyone around me. All my troubles are building up. And what seemed ‘stupid’ before is beginning to feel like a quick escape. I know it is not me to think of it so much. I am against what I am thinking and I am guarding myself from my ‘stupid’ ideas. But I know deep inside, it is just a matter of time before I let my guard down. I won’t do it; at least I hope so. If the questions continue, if the problems grow and if it hurts more; I might, just might do what I don’t want to. Finally to accept what I get and do something I don’t want to. Love all. But me? Time will answer.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
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