Lonely Sheep.

I was born in the year of the sheep prior to the Chinese zodiac. I cannot suppress myself from being the shepherd among the sheep. Just like the shepherd or the sheep, being with my own kind; friends is where I feel safe and warm. I miss that feeling terribly when I am home. For walking into my home replicates walking into a wolves den. Wolf; a common predator of the sheep. I feel forlorn in my house. There is no sign of love or comfort. It has been like this for almost four years now. Recently it just got worse. My happiness at home has faded away with the old pictures. I now live an empty life, with despair knocking on the door. Perhaps I should change. The current me is not sustained by anyone. I should get rid of compassion and love. I should be selfishly possessive. I should put myself before others. I should learn not to care and love. I should be stone-hearted. I should throw my emotions out the window. I should stop trying to be valued. I should stop being me. Transformation is needed to survive in this atrocious world. I should just be like everyone else. I should be average. Maybe than it would be easier to survive the phase of life. Sometimes I try so hard to understand others; and I fail to understand myself.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated” A very common proverb we all come across। Yet why is it than that I am treated differently? I do not expect totally indifferent accommodation. Nevertheless is it wrong to ask for a little kindness? (SORRY, for asking you to stay over. SORRY, I should not have asked knowing that you won’t come. SORRY, for having hope. SORRY, for wanting company. SORRY, I tried. SORRY, for expecting too much. SORRY, for feeling lonely. I am SORRY.) It hurts to feel lonely. It hurts even more to miss and opportunity of company. It isn’t you, it’s me. Thinking far, tears seem to befriend me.

“What’s going on?” I ask myself. Afraid I can’t answer that. I am losing it. Suddenly everything seems to fall; my hope, my dreams, my strengths, my love, my friends and myself. I need a hug. I need love.