Colours

The world is a stage, we are the artists, our life is the play and god is the producer. Now, who are the audience? From my perspective, there is no audience. It is all about who you are, who you portray yourself to be and how you stand out from the others in the play. My aim is to make my fellow artists indulge in jealousy when they see my role in the play of life. Well numerous events have occurred in the past few days which taught me about myself and others. I shall try to put them into questions and answers rather than just going on and on about them.
What is life?According to me life meant to be all about the five ‘C’ game; Cash, Condo, Car, Credit and Comfort. I always had this idea that a man who achieves all of this in his lifetime has lived life to his fullest and made probably the most out of it. My perspective varied enormously after these few days of events god created for me. I agree cash, condo, car, credit and comfort are a few of the luxuries everyone would like to have, but is that all I want? I can confidently say, NO.I want a life where I am valued for who I am rather than from what I own. A life with the five ‘C’ game well played is good indeed. But I want to achieve far more satisfactory in my life.

I want to plant a tree and name it after me. Than I would be contented that I have provided care and concern on another living thing apart from humans and trust that I have fulfilled my job as a human on earth. This tree will be a part of my legacy. Through this tree I would have gained the joy of giving life and would have connected myself with nature and its beauty.

I want to donate and help to change at least a single person’s life on earth. To make it better and colourful. I would then have done my part as a fellow human being. I presume I would get rid of the guiltiness I carry upon myself. I would then see the importance of being who I am. To be thankful for what I have and to seek apology for the sins I have committed.

I want to start a school; perhaps even a preschool. In one way or another I would like to teach a hungry man to fish rather than give him a fish to eat for the day. Education is important in this era. From what I see it to be, it will be for centuries to come. Thus, I would like to be a person who creates an opportunity to learn and grow. By starting a school, I would be satisfied in completing my purpose to be who I am. Recognition comes as dressing in the ice cream of life with this school. I want to be who I am. And I want to be proud of it.

I want to travel and sail to outrageous parts of the world. To see both man-made and natural wonders. To understand and feel the beauty of life. To smell the freshness of the earth. To sense the vibration of nature to man. To love its beauty and to create a whole new meaning for enjoying life.

Finally I want to create a name for myself, not only with wealth but also to be known as the person who has lived life the way he wanted and has done it well. I will create this name for myself. I will stand out from the other artists in the play, for I see myself to be; the star in god’s production.
Who am I?I thought of myself to be strong and vibrant. Now I see myself to be a whole lot more than just that. To be honest, I am lazy. Lazy to move out of my comfort zone and push myself to the extremes. But slowly I am mulling myself and I am doing it! Proud on that I should say.

I care too much. I end up caring too much about something or someone and end up spoiling everything. Perhaps I just don’t know where to stop. But why should I? Love is infinite, and so is care! If you want me, my over-caring, irritating, interfering and tight grasp comes together with me. But of course that does not mean I am selfish and possessive. I know how to share.

I am truthful. I am truthful to myself and everyone else. Sometimes this leads me and my dramatic life to all sorts of hurdles but it is worth the fight. I like being straight forward. I personally enjoy passing truthful and sarcastic remarks right at someone’s face. I am not a sadist and I am only being mean to be nice. If you should know it than, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT. No arguments in that. It is all for the greater good.

I am a confused child. There are times where I tend to ponder too much and deprive myself of positive thoughts. I need to get a grasp over myself and control myself from being so fickle and hasty. That goes for my expenses as well.

I am much more than what I have mentioned. For now these are the new ‘attributes’ I see in myself. Good or bad, like it or not; this is ME.
What is love?Love according to me is a feeling deep down in my heart. A plunging feeling when you think about someone. A chilling sensation. A dark and exiting flight of emotions. Love is indefinable. Love is an aspect of relationships. In fact relationship has many different aspects to it. They come together to fill this jigsaw and to make a relationship complete. Love is the most important factor. Appreciation is usually confused with love itself. To give time and attention is definitely not love. To want time, attention and focus from someone is definitely not love. I beg to differ that these are components of selfish and unsecure demands often seen in extensive crushes. To give or want attention is never defined as love from my perspective. To give or want attention is like sex itself; a person doesn’t really need it yet his desires for lust pushes him. Is sex important to show love? Definitely not, because one understands the love from another without it. Similarly one should understand love from a person without attention.

These aphrodisiacs they call love, is mere obsessions over someone. Witty yet deadly obsessions. In love and relationship, there should be no form of conditions. A person should be free to be who they are. Free to do what they want. Free to speak their mind. Free to be loved. If being in love causes a person to appreciate someone immensely that it consumes their every thought, than where does the originality of the person goes to? If being in love requires a person to be filled with someone else. To feel happy for someone else, to think about someone else and to be filled with the thoughts of someone else. When is it that you can be yourself? Those who portray love to be all about another person, are putting themselves in a cage seemingly named love.

According to me, it is not wrong to feel happier around someone else other than your loved one. It does not mean that if you love someone, you should be in your highest spirits when you are with them. Face the fact, a person cannot be everything in another person’s life. Nobody is everything to someone, and they never will be. If you presume someone seems to be your everything, slap yourself get back to reality before you lose it. When you are loved, you are the most important person in a another person’s life. You may not be the most enjoyable or appreciated person, but certainly important. If you are not appreciated or you are not being shown love in return then maybe it is not love yet. Appreciation and importance is crucial, but that does not mean love itself is appreciation and importance alone. Unconditional or conditional love. When there is love, there is magic. Have faith in this magic. Always remember love is never meant to be the bitterness of life. It may be bitter for a short period but if it is prolonged; you got the wrong sweet. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. Try to find love as it is. Try to feel the magic. Love as it is, is a beautiful pain.

To *blank*... I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I will try talking to her and see where this is really going. Till than always remember love is not always among couples. Family and friends are there with love too. Both love towards family, friends and couples is very similar. Only lust does the difference. Don’t be afraid to show love to others. Don’t channel everything towards one direction. If you lose it, then you lose it all. Stay strong, enjoy yourself. Always look at everything positively. If you need a hug or a shoulder to cry, you know what to do. I don’t know if this might help but, you are very much appreciated and loved by me my friend. Keep happy thoughts.
The EventHappy birthday Khalis, your balls turned 18! Ha-ha. What was proposed to be a chilling birthday celebration at Sentosa-Cove turned out to be a exhilarating night at Duxton Road ‘The Arena’. I met new people and learned new stuff. These new ‘friends’ I made are friends of Khalis and they had the most stupidest idea on celebrating their friend’s birthday with a day to his ‘O’ level papers. The birthday boy did not think for himself too. All I could say was ‘DUMB’. If those were his friends, I cannot wait to see his enemies.

At first I was raging with discontentment towards Amin for getting me involved with them and for having such contacts. It all seemed ‘cheap’ for all of this to happen. Soon after continuous apologies and explanation from Amin, I decided that I was wrong about him. I could have dropped everything and walked away. But It was Khalis birthday and I knew if I did walk away Amin would not. I rather stay and suffer just to ensure the safety of my two friends rather than bringing myself to safety first.

Upon entering Duxton road I was greeted with some of the disgusting sights I hope not to see again. Bar-hostess practically selling themselves at the door of a club. I was disgusted and disturbed. Women are known to hold such dignity and are valued to be god themselves. These women abolish the whole reputation. After much bumming around, we went into a ‘pub’ called ‘The Arena’. The smell was awkwardly familiar and the atmosphere was dull. I seated myself in a far corner to avoid the ‘bimbos’ and helped myself to some mixed nuts placed on the table. Among the many guys whom came in with me, this creature being an insult to women came right up to me and made herself comfortable on my laps. She rubbed left and right, everywhere she can trying to excite me. I felt so disgusted with her and myself for being there. I agree as a guy, there was a short spike of excitement in me. But it did not last for more than a minute when I began realising I was in true love. I am in such love that the creature sitting on me forced me to cry inside for my love. For me to not want anything to do with the hostess on top of me. After around 15 minutes of trying, she left to fish for another customer. Sorry to all the guys out there, I know this is weird for a guy to reject such an opportunity. But I am in love, I can’t help it. If you think the hostess would have been a turn-on for you, please check if you are really in love. For me it was a ultimate turn-off.


: Content above is based on my own perspective :

Door Slam

Self-proclaimed prisoner. I am being shunt away by everyone from morning. Now, here blog with my heart mourning. I feel dead. Am I? I feel avoided. Am I? I feel hurt. Yes I am. From the bottom of my heart. I miss a few people. Miss; an expensive word. What happens when one dies? Can they hear us? Can they see us? If they can, “I wish you were here surien, some people seem to be like you now and then. And I get so attached to them to come to a disappointing end”, “I wish you were here dad, everything would be different”, “I wish you were here Raja uncle, I could share everything with you”, “I wish you were here Ramesh Anna, my mentor my guide” Finally, “ I wish at least one of you is here for me. If not, I want to be with you; where ever you are. I want an escape from this treacherous world.” Stupidity I said it was, but with my biggest strength gone emotions are let loose. Why can’t I counsel myself? Is it because I know I am lying when I say there are always people who love me? Is it because my days are getting harder by the minute? Why is it hard to be me? Why do I have to go through this? Despite the many people around me. Despite my family and friends. Why am I reduced to cry out loud on a blog which won’t understand me? Who am I crying out to now? What the hell am I doing? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. My mind is riding a roller coaster down my heart. I see faces, my loved and valued. Where are they? Do they know? What can they do even if they do? Does it matter to anyone? Am I seeking attention? I don’t know. I just see faces, AMIN, VINOTHINI, SUNITHRA, NIROSHA, GOWRI, DHARSHINI, PRAVIN, MY MUM, KANNAN ANNA, SHIYAMALLA ANNI, SAROJINI, SARAVANYA, MANOSH, INDU, SHARVENA, MAHES, SHENA, ROSHINI, MITA, JEEVITHA, DARVIN, ARAVIN, REVATHI, ARCHANNA, MYTHILLI, REVU, LAVANYA AND SO MANY MORE. Where are you? Aren’t we drifting away? I feel avoided. I feel alone. Pardon my words (I feel like a useless piece of crap which everyone hates to be with. I get an impression that I am irritating. I get an impression that I am too much. I get an impression that in the end of the day nobody fucking gives a damn about anything. Is everything a passing cloud? I want to know how people judge me. I want to know how to make people like me. I know I can’t be liked by everyone! But is it wrong for wanting to feel loved by some at least? What is the fucking problem with me? I swear at this moment when I am typing this I am throwing vulgarities at GOD for his great idea of fate for me and all those people I ever loved so much more than anything!) It is not nice to feel alone. It is worse to feel un-loved.

This is the first ever post on my blog which is angrily made. Usually I am against posting angry comments and I think through what I want to say before I do. I have thought about my post the whole day and I still feel the same way so there it is.

Amin I know I am kind of like irritating. Sorry for messaging you so many times and all. I got the hint when you didn’t reply to some of them. Sorry, I thought I had at least one soul to turn to. So sorry, I feel terrible for practically eating your personal space. I am a person with lots of personal space, and mine is filled with friends and mostly you. I made a wrong judgement that it might be the same for you too. Sorry. I have been really PISSED these few days with life. It is getting really hard. I am not angry or whatever when I am typing this segment and all. I just felt like apologising before it gets worse. Sorry i might be talking 'nuts'. Please tell me what is going wrong with us.

Apart from that I am feeling so good about the class gathering that I pray I should die before it. Oh so fun, looking forward to the gathering with all my life, (that is sarcasm! just in case you don't realise)

This is one of the posts where my language is going berserk. Not in the mood. Well that is all for now, hopefully my next post will not be filled with despair too. FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK FATE, FUCK MY LIFE AND FUCK YOU.

Confessions

I submitted my withdrawal application to Republic Polytechnic today. In the corner of my heart I felt sorrowful for my doing. My soul wept lightly when my programme chair approved it immediately after viewing my reason for withdrawal. I hope I made the right choice. God please be with me on this.

After the confusing start of the day, I brought myself to where I find joy. I went to meet Amin and Ernest. A place where I feel at safe and warm; with my friends. Following a chat at Macdonald’s we went to play snooker at a nearby centre. It was lavishly exiting and promising. I think I am getting better at it day by day. Well then again, I ‘think’. Going at 1 hour we dragged on to 2 without realising. Fun never did have its limit there. Soon after it was followed by dinner at a nearby hawker centre. (My craving for hawker food is satisfied now) Just as my drink arrived, Dharshini, Navin and Rev co-incidentally bumped into us. What more can I say? It was all chit chat and laughs for the next hour. Really was a fun time until Rev said “let’s go home”. Bang! It hit the spot. My mood was fluctuating between happy and sad the moment I heard ‘home’. Going back has always been hard for me. A place where I despise to be; away from my friends, away from myself. Walking on the falling mood. I was building up strength to put away the misery and keep up the smile. Eventually I was hit harder. While walking towards the bus-stop. *blank* said “can you like walk further away”, “I feel like ...” I don’t understand why, but those words killed me. My world, happiness and trust just asked me to move away. I must have been that irritating. Sorry. I know what makes me happy, being with my friends; with you. But nowadays I am certainly confused what makes you happy. It almost feels like a day without meaning; on a day without you. There you have heard it *blank*. Now you know, how much you mean to me. Sorry, just too heart-broken to blog much further.

Out of the box: David Archuleta, you are my idol no matter the results today. Nevertheless good luck. I won’t be seeing the results programme, not in a mood to.

I need a hug desperately! Someone give it to me ASAP!

Lonely Sheep.

I was born in the year of the sheep prior to the Chinese zodiac. I cannot suppress myself from being the shepherd among the sheep. Just like the shepherd or the sheep, being with my own kind; friends is where I feel safe and warm. I miss that feeling terribly when I am home. For walking into my home replicates walking into a wolves den. Wolf; a common predator of the sheep. I feel forlorn in my house. There is no sign of love or comfort. It has been like this for almost four years now. Recently it just got worse. My happiness at home has faded away with the old pictures. I now live an empty life, with despair knocking on the door. Perhaps I should change. The current me is not sustained by anyone. I should get rid of compassion and love. I should be selfishly possessive. I should put myself before others. I should learn not to care and love. I should be stone-hearted. I should throw my emotions out the window. I should stop trying to be valued. I should stop being me. Transformation is needed to survive in this atrocious world. I should just be like everyone else. I should be average. Maybe than it would be easier to survive the phase of life. Sometimes I try so hard to understand others; and I fail to understand myself.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated” A very common proverb we all come across। Yet why is it than that I am treated differently? I do not expect totally indifferent accommodation. Nevertheless is it wrong to ask for a little kindness? (SORRY, for asking you to stay over. SORRY, I should not have asked knowing that you won’t come. SORRY, for having hope. SORRY, for wanting company. SORRY, I tried. SORRY, for expecting too much. SORRY, for feeling lonely. I am SORRY.) It hurts to feel lonely. It hurts even more to miss and opportunity of company. It isn’t you, it’s me. Thinking far, tears seem to befriend me.

“What’s going on?” I ask myself. Afraid I can’t answer that. I am losing it. Suddenly everything seems to fall; my hope, my dreams, my strengths, my love, my friends and myself. I need a hug. I need love.

Self- Explanatory

This song, it haunts me. Lyrics torment my every night. This is simply,it.


Maroon 5 ( She will be loved )
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more


I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Hurt

The other world, filled with ambitious dreams and restless desires; where every minute detail is under control. A world where fate fears to reside, satisfactory is in every corner and joy is infinite. This world I speak about exists in each and every heart. It provides comfort and support when we are low. Every child lives in this innocent world before exiting the sphere of happiness to realize itself and the dreadful true world. Whenever we try to look into the future, memories of the world we used to live as a child in becomes a figment of imagination. Thus we carve the steps, drive ourselves and grow all our live to make our imagination true. Indeed it appears to be our own fairytale.

I have a dream of my own. My own little perfect fairytale. Where I am respected as an individual, where my name rings a bell in every beings mind. A recognised face, a popular square. This seems all too hard-headed and unrealistic. But isn’t it almost everyone’s darkest desire to be on top of everyone else? To be important and famous? I bet one would not turn down and opportunity to become all of that even if it might portray the person as stuck-up and ‘hard-headed’. I am just different, I rather openly express my ambitions rather than suffocate myself with it. I am a person who can never tolerate feeling average or un-important. I can see humble is not my term of accomplice but it does not mean that I want the rest of the world to be below me. I just want to be in that certain respectable level degree where I am recognised as a successful individual. This might not be vividly understandable. But I decided to give it a shot. This is me and my childhood world. Seemingly without going to school, without going to work. Without an opportunity to shine I feel less important and I have had enough of those senseless remarks from the people around me. As a matter of fact what gives you under-achieved people with no better standards other than age the right to comment on my lifestyle? I agree to have left my polytechnic education and to be relentlessly wasting a week away. If that has given you an impression to comment “he is just sitting at home wasting life, good for nothing fellow”. I have two words for you. FUCK OFF. I have already started studying for ‘A’ Levels and I am sure to get into a college next year. I am not sitting at home doing nothing. I have lots of responsibilities and I am not obliged to explain them to you. And of course, my social life is none of your concerns. And finally, look at your disgusting background and wasteful infants before you talk about me.

Well leaving that as it is, another issue is strangling me now. I don’t wish to mention your name. Let’s just say ‘bitch’. I understand your relationship is undergoing a terrible storm now. But what have I done? These past few days, I am being indirectly shoved away. Why? Infuriating answers are given to my questions. So I deserve to be in the blues of yet another friendship? Frankly I feel used. All those times ‘I need you to do this’, are they just for a matter of education. Is that what I am in your life? An educational ladder where you step and use to get where you want to and to hell with it thereafter? What am I? I do not deviate to the fact that I was more than just a friend to help before. But now, the only topic we get about is studies. Why? I am not asking you to talk about stuff. But why hide? Don’t tell me why you are troubled; it is really ok. But why disagree that you are troubled when you apparently are. I am not going to force an explanation if you do not want to tell. But why in the world don’t I deserve to just stand by your side when you are down. I don’t need to know what is troubling you; I just want to stand by. I feel shunt off and wasted my friend. I am terribly hurt. Thank you.

I need a big hug. Someone send it to me, PLEASE!

Again

You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine.

You make me happy,

when skies are grey.

You don't know my dear,

how much i love you.

Please don't take,

my sunshine away...

Intentions

Credits to a pleasant morning. Went to Vivo City to catch a movie with Amin and Ernest. Despite my struggle trying to convince them to watch ‘Forbidden Kingdom’, disappointment surged. We ended up watching ‘What happens in Vegas’ instead. The message of the movie came across well. Applause to the movie and crew for creating a beautiful spectrum of love and its value. Yet, it was too predictable causing a down-punch on the climax. I would give it 3 out of 5 stars preferably. Emotions were stirred up. Other than the movie there were other issues going on beside me. To Whom It May Concern; I know something is wrong, I know you are hurt, I know my limits and I won’t ask why. But please just lean back on me if you need to. No reason needed, no explanations required. A hug is always there, just ask!

Well slightly out of the blue topic there, it is just a message for a friend of mine whom thinks I gave up. I see the call for some happiness among this dull posting. Here is an e-mail I received. Pretty funny apparently.

GIFT
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week,
company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport
and wishes her to have a good Trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey,
what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks
her up in the airport and asks:

"So, honey, How was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could;
now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously Intelligent!


Haha. I had a good laugh reading that. Got to go offer my respect to the television soon. Goodnight.

The Search

An uninvited guest; boredom resided in me. Woke up at 3.30pm just in time for lunch, squandered my time on television till evening and eventually went out to dinner with Amin. It feels simply atrocious to stay home and waste my time away. I feel like a loafer and I mean it. I frantically need a job to occupy my time. Dropping out of school was a dreadful mistake for this year I suppose. Nevertheless it will prove to be a good investment in the year to come. Apart from all of this, a deafening question troubles me now. Amin asked me “what is it that I really want?” Honestly I am afraid to answer this question as for now there is a slight misconception in my confidence to go to a Junior College. On the other hand I am feeding my confidence with the remnants of self motivation I have left. What I want now; perhaps it is more distinguished to say what I want and need now, is to go to a Junior College. I might not be able to substantiate my theory but it clearly makes sense to me and my ulterior motives. What I want in the future is yet to be visualized with a million pixels. Sure there is a minute draft on my mind but I am yet to add colour and life to it. I fully understand the necessity to fix my ambition now, but my fickle intentions tend to wander away from my interests after a period of time. Thus, deciding on what to do as I climb up my education ladder or even to grow to like my options towards a fulfilling life as I venture further would be a healthier choice now.

Some questions were asked and answered today. Some taught me about myself indeed. Now I got a few questions myself. Amin, are you sure you know where you are headed towards? Assuming you have the same level of confidence as the start of the year and presuming you know what you are doing, you would probably feel that you are on the right track. Well if your confidence and path towards what you want is right, you should be where you want to be by now. But are you? From ambitious words of getting ‘A1’ for science it is now ‘I am going to drop science’, is this where you assumed you will be heading towards in the start of the year? Has your drive and hard work gotten you anywhere near your aspiration? I am not trying to hurt you or criticize your motives, I am trying to be a good friend. Better hurt now than kill later. There is nothing wrong in your time and effort put in. In fact it is more than essential to excel. Yet why is it that what you study does not stay with you? Or what is of more content and influence running in your mind and heart? Ask these questions and they will lead to more queries. I can only make assumptions; only you can find the answer. Change what is needed to be changed before it is ‘too late’. Don’t feel hurt my friend, I just need you to think. To round it all up “can you handle yourself in terms of control and navigation”, “can you push yourself to what you want?” and finally “is it worth to risk it by handling yourself at this juncture?” These last few questions may be confusing and contradictable, think over it and you might get what I mean. When you have read up to here, I can picture the frown on your face. Cool down and relax, get a few laughs before you start to think. Hope I helped. And of course, CONGRATULATIONS on your accounts results .I am in high spirits. Honestly, I did tear inside. Keep up the good work. Leaving that as food for thought, I shall render my mind to a movie now.



P.S : Boring days, please GO AWAY!

Season Of Love

There are some questions I fear to ask myself. The worst of them all is ‘let go?’ I have tried my very best to fertilize a dying plant; my friendship. Regardless of my efforts the plant refuses to live. Is time I let go? Won’t I be morally scarred? I would then have successfully contradicted my own perspective of long lasting friends. Were all those words child play? “My best man at the wedding”, “ten years down the road, your Lamborghini and my Lexus....” All these are still fresh in my memory yet it all cedes to be true now. I don’t know if I can, but I must vigour myself to let go. Or must I?

Apart from that issue clouding the back of my head, my day today was smooth. Despite my effort to wake up at my convenience, Amin ticked the cuckoo clock in my head. A call from him in the morning was astounding indeed. I greeted his call with a smile on my face. Indeed I was happy to hear from him. Hours later I was on my couch watching ‘Desperate Housewives’ marathon telecasted on Star World, with peace and at ease. My mum had gone to visit her mum in regards to Mother’s day and by God’s grace my brother went along with her. I was the captain and the crew; alone at home. To my surprise I received another call from Amin. Two casual calls in a day. Wow. Contented and pleased. Soon after I dragged myself to Granny’s place for a family gathering. As much as I hate to be involved in this, I was left with no choice. On the way I made another casual call to Amin. Note: Third call. The gathering did not turn out to be too bad in the end. I notoriously stuffed myself with seafood and sugarcane juice. To top it all, a Belgian waffle with chocolate fondue. After the extravagant dinner, I strolled back to my Granny’s place to have a BBQ party with the neighbours. On the way back a ringing on my phone made me smirk and laugh out blissfully. Yet another casual call from Amin. It was around 12.30am before the Mother’s Day BBQ party ended. By then I was bloated up. Took a cab back home, and here I am blogging this. I quote this as a joyful day for me. Among all this hustles I can’t stop to wonder, why the sudden alluring affection from Amin? Four casual calls, shockingly 3 from Amin. I am not questioning your affection or thoughts; I am very happy and grateful for them indeed. On the contrary I hope this has nothing to do with the days to come from 19th, I hope this is not a temperamental diversion for satisfactory. Nevertheless, thank you for your calls and thoughts today, looking forward for more of this ‘new’ you. Not weary yet, I presume I will devout myself to the television for now. Good day, Good food, Good travel, Good friend. That is all for now, happy mother’s day once again.

Since it turned May 12 by the time i finished this post. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!! I LOVE YOU.

God's gift

God has some duties. To create, love and protect. A mother has similar duties too. My definition of god’s form is a mother herself. And I see my mum to be the greatest of them all. A woman whom places her children’s “wants” before her own “needs”. I have seen parents whom give importance to their child’s needs and give up their own; my mum on the other hand gives up her own needs even if it is just to satisfy my wants. Sure there are misunderstandings with her. Her point of view ceases to tally with mine. Nevertheless amity is attained in the end. A woman whom never fails to express her love. Being a mother is hard enough, being a good mother is even harder. I am proud to say that I have not only gotten a mother but a good one indeed. Apart from providing me with a lavish lifestyle which I don’t deserve she also never fails to shower me with love, care and concern. Love is often shown through anger from my mum and sometimes in a pep talk manner, either way it is from pure love. A woman whom never gives up. Determination and perseverance is grandly devoted in my mum. Being a single parent after my father deceased, she has never given up on her duties as a mum and a dad. She fights all day to provide me with a grand living to match up to my dad’s giving. Despite her own health problems she has come this far in supporting my every decision, standing with me, cleaning up my mistakes and loving me all the way. Indeed I can daringly boast that my mum is a hero in my life and she is an exemplary to all the future mothers to come. I LOVE YOU MUM. You are always appreciated deep in my heart. Have a Splendid Mother’s Day. You deserve all the rights to it. My mum; my god.

Heart And Mind

My friends my world.

Nirosha
It is funny, the way we met. Not knowing we are related flirtatious remarks we passed. After realising our family ties, embarrassing looks were passed. We got along so easily like fire and cotton. Never have I bonded so quick and deep. From that day till now, you are on the top of my list for all loved ones. Being family, and friend you are my favourite. No one till date has beaten your record. I love it when we talk for hours and yet never run out of topics to talk about. There are times I felt like keeping things from you. Despite the effort your eyes make me talk. Every day I think of you, I think of the things I want to tell you. I usually miss you even right after we just met. I can say one thing for sure, I don’t have enough of you in my life. My all rounder. Sister, Friend and Idol.
YOU ARE NUMBER 1.

Amin
The loved one, I say my friend. From barely knowing each other we have come reasonably far. From every look and word I ‘believe’ I understand you. Nevertheless as fate recites, I fear losing you thru space and time. I don’t know why this sudden chill always creeps up my hind every time you’re hurt. You are my most valued friend I should simply say. Sure there are disappointments popping here and there, yet I treasure every day and night. Miss you I do, every second we are apart. For I am devoutly convenient with you on my side. In times I needed a punching bag, you served as one taking all my moody remarks. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your love. I will never cease to be there in times of despair. All you got to do is give me a look and I will know. Say no words, show no reason as I know deep inside when you are troubled. Apart from all this flourishing stuff, I fear we are drifting further apart. Say it out loud, don’t be shy. Before it’s too late to look back at the past. I LOVE YOU MY FRIEND.

Gowri
Oh what joy I fall into just from thinking of you. All despair, every trouble vanishes when I am with you. Life has no limits and neither does fun. Memories of you bring nothing but smiles. Thank heavens for you, I have laughter in my life. I miss our “block meetings” every night I swear. Looking forward for more joys to come. What can I say more? I would die to be with you my friend. Simply to say I love you lots. I find myself going into a sphere of magic bringing back my childhood when I am with you. Free to be my inner child, there is no other who has seen that side of me I swear. No circumstances nor conditions to portray myself when I am by your side. I can unleash myself from the mask I wear, and be who I want to be without fear. Thank you my friend for letting me be who I am, I treasure you from the bottom of my heart. YOU ARE THE BEST.

Pravin
The days are gone or will they return? I miss you badly for crying out loud. I have hurt you, I know I did. I am sorry for all that I did. You mean alot to me my friend. I miss your calls and our laughs. You were there sitting quietly beside me during my darkest days. You were there laughing with me during my brightest times. You were there through thick and thin. You were there from the start. I don’t know how much I mean to you, but you were once the world to me my friend. Thank you for all those wonderful times. I am deeply sorry for my pricking words, it was a moment of anger and motive to hurt you. I now see that it went too far. Time can’t be reversed nor can my words. I am sorry. With tears every night it is true I miss you, never have I cried out loud for a parting friend. Somehow this seems worse than everything else. I want the old days back, I need them. It can’t be achieved overnight I understand. But I am willing to sacrifice all the time it takes, just to be as it was again. I MISS YOU BEST MAN.

Faith

May the best way be shown god, may it be favourable. This is what I prayed for and I presume it contradicts itself. The best way for me may not be favourable indeed. Deliberately a choice has been made for a greater good. I was rejected admission into Yishun Junior College just a few minutes ago. The vice-principal has stated it was apparently too late this year. Nevertheless I am assured to get a place the following year. This seems to be the only light in all the darkness indulging me now. Furthermore he has also offered to guide me with notes and materials necessary in order to ‘get the hang’ before next year. Amity is reached by us I should say. I implicate this as my actual start towards my dreams. Till I reach the soft subtle shores upfront, there is an uttermost condition to sail pass a stormy year. I am going to neglect the comments which come my way and offer nothing but discrepancy to any negative setbacks. My only vision will be my ambition.

Leaving that aside, I got to find a job now to avoid the relentless times to come. For now I am in need of peace and relaxation, both unattainable at home. Going outdoor soon, looking for inspirations.

A New Start

First impressions play a judicial part in our life. Others judge us, and we judge others. Do we actually have this right to conclude about another? That is some food for thought I would say. Nevertheless I was placed upon a dilemma to create a confident and sophisticated first impression on Monday. It all began from me deciding not to ponder over an ‘unrecognised’ interest of mine, in this case my diploma course and deciding to head towards what I foresee to be a brighter future. I decided to take the ‘A’ Levels instead. I had walked into Yishun Junior College for a discussion with their vice-principal. My goal was to get an admission in the college. However so, being setback by 5 months compared to most of the students it is almost of a miracle for the school to accommodate to me now. Regardless of their opinions I have verbalised my competency and drive of motivation to impress their vice-principal. After much convincing the vice-principal decided to debate it over with a few teachers. With diminutive satisfactory I am now waiting for a call from the school. I jolt every time my phone rings till I see a recognisable number on the caller-id. I am here still waiting for the call, praying for favourable news.

Leaving that aside, I have already started studying economics. It will be one of the subject I am taking for ‘A’ levels. I will get into a Junior College either this year or the next thus, it is beneficial for me start now. I have already given up most of my social activities, in lieu to preparing myself for struggling in college. My only form of expressive relaxation might be just this blog thereafter.I hope to keep this going as far as I can. Well that is enough cheese for one day I guess. Wishing myself luck for tomorrow.