March Holidays Ended

I am so tired and I am blogging after so long.. WOW. Ok Belated, Christmas, New Year wishes to all and me. Belated Birthday wishes to me too. Too much drama has taken place, seasons changed and people did too. So many changes, I DONT LIKE CHANGES, well at least not the ones that affect me badly. Well, guess I will be back to feed again. Till than, try to smile at the heavens, see if someone smiles back.

Sunrise

Yes! I am myself again.

I had a rough period, I admit.

I did crazy stuff, I admit.

I totally lost it, I admit.

I changed, I admit.

I went down the path I never wanted to, I admit.

Now, I am soul searching within myself.

With remorse I learned a lesson.

I love the way things are going.

It is not perfect, but it is a start.

True friendship never dies.

With trust in understanding and understanding trust,

anyone can go a long way.

*blank*

Sorry.

Thanks.

&

I love ya!

Trust VS Understanding

I have never met another existence on earth that has hurt me as much as you. Despite all those tormenting words, despite suffering the one sided view and despite going to the verge of giving up finally on you, I failed to take another step forward. I cannot move on without you. Have had numerous advises, countless discrimination, disgusting opinions on how to lead my life without you. I cannot accustom myself to listen to them. Cause deep inside I am truly fighting between my egoistic charm and inferior motives. I do not care about feeling inferior for the first time. I do not care about stooping low. I do not care about what others might have to say. All I know is that i need you back.

 

Give me a chance to explain myself. Do not sympathise but please empathise.

Why would I plan kill the trust I’ve grown upon me?
Why would I do it in purpose?

Hypocrite is what I’m called.
Friend is what I tried to be.
Failure is what I’ve deemed to be.
Broken is what I’ve grown to be.
Hurt is what I’ve earned to be.

Hurt over the brim, cried over any limit, done with all that is.

The most lovable and hurtful words both come from the one you love.

Sorry.

Sand Storm

I am such a transcended person. Why do I have such thoughts? I am utterly clueless yet satisfied. Well, it has been awhile since my previous post which I am planning to take down due to it being a controversial topic. I haven’t decided on that yet but I bet I will come up with something soon. Alright back to me being a transcended person. It just seems to me that it is the correct paradigm. I am under intense pressure right now. The obstacles in my life never fail to surprise me. One after the other due to my insoluble situations I am put under paroxysms of grief.

“The sky is falling”

Sometimes ‘chicken little’ does know what he’s talking about.

Nevertheless I still thank god for guiding me all along this treacherous path of life.

I need to rest my mind and soul now. Will blog soon.

*blank*
I am very happy we are going along fine.
Hopefully we clear all misunderstanding fast in near future rather than keeping mum about it.
I love ya :]

 

TEAM SINGAPORE

Firstly hats off to Team Singapore for apprehending our first ever silver medal after 48 years. Apart from all the partying and praises I believe we Singaporeans should strive harder and celebrate the welcoming of more medals into the country. For now Team Singapore’s Cyber Dudes need our help.

Visit this link and you’ll know what all this gesture above is about http://www.scoga.org/sgchamps/index.htm

Hope you do the same as I did.
Help our country grow in fame.

Don let an infamy dwell upon our sea.

That is not my kind of a post, controversial subjects are not welcomed but just this once it will be excused. Heads up Sharifah, this one’s for you!

Tickle Tickle

An affirmable question is dwindling in my mind. It has been over a week since I’ve spoken to *blank*. This defoliating season in my heart is causing such trauma in my mind. Offset currents blow in and out, such of a boat being capsized one too many times. What has happened over the past few days? What changes did we occur? We spoke on the phone, you sounded troubled. When pestered for an answer you hung up on me. Like so I’ve said, I can bear almost any rudeness but superiority complex. NO ONE hangs the phone on me! NO ONE ignores me when I am angry! And definitely NO ONE make me feel inferior. Not even GOD! Even apart from all these factors you have imposed purposely towards me, I have learnt to accustom myself to controlling my emotions and to give it all up. I’ve learnt to keep my anger aside, just because you’re my best friend. But what has happened now? Just because I chose to think of someone else for just a second and made you wait at your place, I’m being portrayed as a person who uses you? Is that what you’re thinking? I’m just using you to pass my time when I cannot find anyone else? I’m sorry for being harsh but for the past months you have always been my first priority. I admit that at times I had to attend to my other friends too but there are countless times where I have put aside my fucking desires and plans just to sit and stare at you do your work or to teach you or to slack with you. It’s not because I don’t have anything else to do! It’s because that is what I want to do. I want to be with you, support you and guide you as far as I can. My desires and plans being ruined do give me a small regret sometimes but even that vanishes when we sit and crack off about something. What am I to do? You know for yourself the things I’ve given up or more like pushed away for now just to help you in your studies. But where is that going towards now? I agree I’m fascinated every time you call me for help in your studies but sometimes I feel that it’s the only reason you’re calling me for. Frankly speaking I feel like a stone being stepped on every time you achieve something and give and impression that you do not want to show it to me. It hurts when you don’t show me your compositions also. I don't know why but I just feel like I'm being shunt away. DO you have any idea? It hurts when you tell me all week that you have a test and when it is over you keep mum about it.  And it especially hurts to imagine the scenario when you’re getting your ‘o’ levels results.  I keep imagining myself waiting there with anticipation and you just walking past me pretending I’m not even there and sharing your results with everyone else but me. I don’t know why I’m imagining this but I am. I don’t want to drift away from you. Please. We need to talk. I know you’re prelims are up and this fight and talk is not going to be a boost anywhere, but pardon my selfishness. I’m hurting day and night. I want us to be us again as soon as possible. Good luck for your prelims. By the way, don’t let go if you value anything at all. If you are please be kind enough to tell me you’re letting go.

 

Sorry to myself for not blogging for long. Times have been rough and smooth the past few months. I did not see the need to express myself or to share the burden as till this issue, I’ve been able to bear it all. Sorry god for the sins I’ve made, for the hearts I’ve hurt and for the care I’ve shown. Thank you god, I’m still alive even with my biggest strength gone. And please god, bring my strength back to me not out of pity but out of love. And god, I love you. 

So much for explanations? Guess why I'm bothered to explain. If it was some other person this would not be the scenario my friend. Please understand.

Try

I am tryin to be care-free like before. I am afraid i can't do it well. I have cared too much. I can't turn back now. I am confused and sorry.

Help

*blank*
I must mind my words. Whatever I seem to say befalls the wrong way. I am afraid, too afraid to speak, too afraid to hurt you without knowing and too afraid to loose you. I am sorry. I miss you.

Tears

I am hurt. Very hurt. Everything that matters to me is slipping out of my hand. I want it back. I cannot survive without it.

I know you still angry. Please stop. Its killing me.

To god,
why is it that everytime i need someone i just end up crying to myself?
have i hurt everyone around me that much?
are you forcing me to seek you?
why?
take the pain away, or take my life for it.

:'( the last petal fell, I am alone.

All about you

Today was day which just got more depressing by the minute. After all the fun I had at Club One 15 in Sentosa Cove, today had to contradict the happiness it brought me. I was greeted with very pleasant remarks from my mum when I entered the house. After all that discriminating words, I decided to get some ‘air’. As usual I sat on my corridor ledge, wondering how it would be like to just let go of my grip, to fall and end it all. After a few insensible thoughts, the face of happiness popped in my mind. I messaged ‘goodnight’ hoping to start a small conversation and you replied ‘help me tell her too’. This was infuriating at that moment. And with sarcasm I replied ‘thanks’ which got you to say ‘and you too.bye.’ That seemed as though I was forcing you to say it so I replied ‘err ya whatever’ and there it started a small spark. I ended it on my side immediately though but I am not sure about you.

That got me thinking the whole night, was I being too unobservant? The past few days, it has been dull. It was as though we are no longer like before. You “couldn’t” meet me unless someone came along. You are showing no interest in what’s going on. Are you too preoccupied in your own world? Or merely avoiding me? It hurts.

That day in my house, I showed you everything that mattered most to me. And just when I was about to show you my journal you walked out. I was talking to myself and I knew it than. I was not mad at you for calling him for supper or snooker. I was just disappointed.

Nevertheless I have learnt to put everything behind me at the end of the day. For you are much more important than myself. I will never want to do anything to ruin it. But what is happening? Why avoid? Just say it straight to my face. Silence hurts.

I get this roller-coaster feeling frequently now. It is almost as if you rather it is someone else.

Maybe, just maybe drunken words are sober thoughts for the night alone.I admit, it hurts to tears.

As the Petal Falls

I am not alone, I am alone, I am not alone, I am alone; as I peel the petals of a rose I fear to come to the last of it. Things are changing, for the better or worse? Yet to find out.

The class gathering was subtly happy. There were moments of anguish and tears, for what I have lost and what I have gained. It was amazing to get back in track with Sharvena and Mahes. It was painfully hurting to see the distance between Nair and me. I admit that I portrayed myself to be strong and care-free about what has happened between us. But I stare with despair when you’re not looking. I miss you terribly.

Saturday night; the most meaningful night of my life, drunken words are sober thoughts but what I heard came right from the heart. We had a good drink and a few good laughs. What mattered most were your words that night. I am sorry to say, I cried with you and wiped it away when you looked upon me. I told you my deepest secrets and I told you how much you meant to me. Instead of words as form of reply, I saw your tears and that meant the world to me. I love you so much my friend, I really do. More than anyone, anything and even myself. Thank you for your morning messages, they light up my day. Thank you for your smiles and calls, they light up life. You will be always be the meaning to my life.

Sunday night; it was full of Pravin. I had loads of fun just staring at you. I was myself again when we laughed together. I found the lost me, when I was with you. Yet, another goodbye. I need you. I need you like before. I really love you.

Thoughts

My thoughts are as follows,

There is love, there is me. Where are you? It bothers me.

There is time, there is space. What will happen? It bothers me.

.

There is faith, there is trust. Which is more? It bothers me.

There is hope, there is want. Why choose? It bothers me.

.

There is logic, there is magic. When it happens? It bothers me.

There is heaven, there is hell. How it happens? It bothers me.

.

There is family, it kills me.

There is home, it isolates me.

.

There is duty, it scares me.

There is respect, it stops me.

.
There is life, it haunts me.

There is death, it tempts me.

.

Now there is me and there is friendship. That is always there for me.

To *blank*
Don’t ever do what you will not want me to do.Cause I promise to blindly follow. Loads to say but I hope this delivers the message.I know it hurts, bear with it.It’ll soon be better, don’t give up on it.
Always there,
Lavin

From the heart

I am beginning to give up on everything. My friendship is the only thing pulling me through. Thank you so much Amin,Nirosha and Gowri. I feel safe when I am with you. I really love you. Without you guys I would be in the obituary page by now.

*blank*
I am not far from it but there is certainly something pulling me away; you. I told you this today; you make my day. You are the most important person to me; much more important than myself. And you told me that you are a problem. I would literally die to be with any problem you think you are. You have never been, are not and will never be a problem to me. No matter what colour the cloud is I will always enjoy being with you. Don’t ever say you are a trouble or problem to me. I swear it is not true. Thanks for being there today, sorry if I have disturbed you in any way. I love you my friend; I always will.

Isolation

I feel deprived from love, care and concern. I don’t know why I feel alone. I don’t know why I feel incapable of many things I was capable of before. I am changing, I can see it. The ‘care’ I am putting into everything is turning me into a monster. Why? I don’t know. I cannot expect the same from others, yet why do I? I have started doing things I am not proud of. Sorry Amin, I just need it. I am not me anymore. I hate myself. And ‘sunshine’ your questions are killing me.

A light headache which started yesterday night evolved to be migraine today. I am tempted to hit my head against the wall to stop the pain. Nausea settled together with that later in the evening. My plans were postponed. Worst of all, I am stuck at home. I haven’t slept in the past few days and this migraine is not making it any easier. Everything I eat simply comes right out refusing to travel down my gullet. I am sick and I know it. But does anyone else? There is this certain someone called a mother in the house. All she could care about is her imagination of infamy in the family. Sometimes she thinks I am still a kid and refuse to let it sink that I can make my own decisions. I am grown up! Live with it! I am sad to say this, but from starting off with disliking you and giving up on everything; I am beginning to hate you. I repeat, hate! No one in the house seemed to care that I didn’t eat, was taking pills, was vomiting and was looking dreadfully sick from morning. They just went about doing their usual stuff and went out. By saying they, I mean my mother and brother. In the midst of all that suffering my mum made me pay bills and nagged me about keeping my room clean. All she did from morning was nag, nag and nag. What more can I ask for?

I was in a desperate situation to go to the doctor. My head hurt so bad I could not walk straight. I needed someone to bring me to the doctor, I needed someone to take care of me, I needed someone to sit by me, to put me to sleep, to simply care for me and to make me feel better. Since my mother was useless, I called the next person who gives all this care and attention usually; my sunshine. I called you asking for help. All I got in return was questions and remarks.

*a part of the conversation*

Me: can come? I need to go to the doctor.... (explain my situation)...

Sunshine: Why do you need me now? When you are sick you need me, but not anytime else! Where is your Vino? Is she there for you? Where is your best friend, Amin? See! When you really need someone nobody is there! There is only me, and yet you don’t want to admit it. You think anyone of them will care for you like I will? Ah? Bring you to the doctor, feed you, make you feel comfortable and all? Even your mother is not doing it, what makes you think they will? You know they won’t! That is why you are calling me!

Me: Ma, please I cannot quarrel now. I need you la, please come.

Sunshine: Call Vino la! Call your friends la! Every fucking day you go meet your friend what, call him come la! You think he will do all this? Keep dreaming!

Me: Can stop comparing yourself with Vino and Amin or not? Aiya.. please la don’t do this now. Just come ok. My mum just went out.

Sunshine: NO! I am not coming, see if your friends will come and help you. Now you will learn you lesson. You think they will? I can bet with you that all your guy friends will think it is gay to do all this! You think Gowri and Nirosha all will come? I bet it won’t seem right for a girl to be there when she is not your girlfriend. At least now you will understand that there are some people more important than you friends.

Me: Can shut up or not? I myself not feeling well and you bitch now.

Sunshine: Ya! I am a bitch what, trying to make you understand makes me a bitch now.

Me: You coming or not?

Sunshine: NO! ( hang up )

* end of conversation * Actual conv was much longer and detailed.

After that attempt everything just got worse. Something inside of me begged to prove her wrong. I called Nirosha; she is going out. I called and messaged Amin several times; no reply. I gave up and stayed at home. Isolated and sick. It has been a long time since I cried. Today I did, not for the pain but for the love. I don’t seem to get any from anyone around me. All my troubles are building up. And what seemed ‘stupid’ before is beginning to feel like a quick escape. I know it is not me to think of it so much. I am against what I am thinking and I am guarding myself from my ‘stupid’ ideas. But I know deep inside, it is just a matter of time before I let my guard down. I won’t do it; at least I hope so. If the questions continue, if the problems grow and if it hurts more; I might, just might do what I don’t want to. Finally to accept what I get and do something I don’t want to. Love all. But me? Time will answer.

The Wait.

It was a mistake. I am in love. I am beginning to loose confidence. I am hurt.

Colours

The world is a stage, we are the artists, our life is the play and god is the producer. Now, who are the audience? From my perspective, there is no audience. It is all about who you are, who you portray yourself to be and how you stand out from the others in the play. My aim is to make my fellow artists indulge in jealousy when they see my role in the play of life. Well numerous events have occurred in the past few days which taught me about myself and others. I shall try to put them into questions and answers rather than just going on and on about them.
What is life?According to me life meant to be all about the five ‘C’ game; Cash, Condo, Car, Credit and Comfort. I always had this idea that a man who achieves all of this in his lifetime has lived life to his fullest and made probably the most out of it. My perspective varied enormously after these few days of events god created for me. I agree cash, condo, car, credit and comfort are a few of the luxuries everyone would like to have, but is that all I want? I can confidently say, NO.I want a life where I am valued for who I am rather than from what I own. A life with the five ‘C’ game well played is good indeed. But I want to achieve far more satisfactory in my life.

I want to plant a tree and name it after me. Than I would be contented that I have provided care and concern on another living thing apart from humans and trust that I have fulfilled my job as a human on earth. This tree will be a part of my legacy. Through this tree I would have gained the joy of giving life and would have connected myself with nature and its beauty.

I want to donate and help to change at least a single person’s life on earth. To make it better and colourful. I would then have done my part as a fellow human being. I presume I would get rid of the guiltiness I carry upon myself. I would then see the importance of being who I am. To be thankful for what I have and to seek apology for the sins I have committed.

I want to start a school; perhaps even a preschool. In one way or another I would like to teach a hungry man to fish rather than give him a fish to eat for the day. Education is important in this era. From what I see it to be, it will be for centuries to come. Thus, I would like to be a person who creates an opportunity to learn and grow. By starting a school, I would be satisfied in completing my purpose to be who I am. Recognition comes as dressing in the ice cream of life with this school. I want to be who I am. And I want to be proud of it.

I want to travel and sail to outrageous parts of the world. To see both man-made and natural wonders. To understand and feel the beauty of life. To smell the freshness of the earth. To sense the vibration of nature to man. To love its beauty and to create a whole new meaning for enjoying life.

Finally I want to create a name for myself, not only with wealth but also to be known as the person who has lived life the way he wanted and has done it well. I will create this name for myself. I will stand out from the other artists in the play, for I see myself to be; the star in god’s production.
Who am I?I thought of myself to be strong and vibrant. Now I see myself to be a whole lot more than just that. To be honest, I am lazy. Lazy to move out of my comfort zone and push myself to the extremes. But slowly I am mulling myself and I am doing it! Proud on that I should say.

I care too much. I end up caring too much about something or someone and end up spoiling everything. Perhaps I just don’t know where to stop. But why should I? Love is infinite, and so is care! If you want me, my over-caring, irritating, interfering and tight grasp comes together with me. But of course that does not mean I am selfish and possessive. I know how to share.

I am truthful. I am truthful to myself and everyone else. Sometimes this leads me and my dramatic life to all sorts of hurdles but it is worth the fight. I like being straight forward. I personally enjoy passing truthful and sarcastic remarks right at someone’s face. I am not a sadist and I am only being mean to be nice. If you should know it than, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT. No arguments in that. It is all for the greater good.

I am a confused child. There are times where I tend to ponder too much and deprive myself of positive thoughts. I need to get a grasp over myself and control myself from being so fickle and hasty. That goes for my expenses as well.

I am much more than what I have mentioned. For now these are the new ‘attributes’ I see in myself. Good or bad, like it or not; this is ME.
What is love?Love according to me is a feeling deep down in my heart. A plunging feeling when you think about someone. A chilling sensation. A dark and exiting flight of emotions. Love is indefinable. Love is an aspect of relationships. In fact relationship has many different aspects to it. They come together to fill this jigsaw and to make a relationship complete. Love is the most important factor. Appreciation is usually confused with love itself. To give time and attention is definitely not love. To want time, attention and focus from someone is definitely not love. I beg to differ that these are components of selfish and unsecure demands often seen in extensive crushes. To give or want attention is never defined as love from my perspective. To give or want attention is like sex itself; a person doesn’t really need it yet his desires for lust pushes him. Is sex important to show love? Definitely not, because one understands the love from another without it. Similarly one should understand love from a person without attention.

These aphrodisiacs they call love, is mere obsessions over someone. Witty yet deadly obsessions. In love and relationship, there should be no form of conditions. A person should be free to be who they are. Free to do what they want. Free to speak their mind. Free to be loved. If being in love causes a person to appreciate someone immensely that it consumes their every thought, than where does the originality of the person goes to? If being in love requires a person to be filled with someone else. To feel happy for someone else, to think about someone else and to be filled with the thoughts of someone else. When is it that you can be yourself? Those who portray love to be all about another person, are putting themselves in a cage seemingly named love.

According to me, it is not wrong to feel happier around someone else other than your loved one. It does not mean that if you love someone, you should be in your highest spirits when you are with them. Face the fact, a person cannot be everything in another person’s life. Nobody is everything to someone, and they never will be. If you presume someone seems to be your everything, slap yourself get back to reality before you lose it. When you are loved, you are the most important person in a another person’s life. You may not be the most enjoyable or appreciated person, but certainly important. If you are not appreciated or you are not being shown love in return then maybe it is not love yet. Appreciation and importance is crucial, but that does not mean love itself is appreciation and importance alone. Unconditional or conditional love. When there is love, there is magic. Have faith in this magic. Always remember love is never meant to be the bitterness of life. It may be bitter for a short period but if it is prolonged; you got the wrong sweet. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. Try to find love as it is. Try to feel the magic. Love as it is, is a beautiful pain.

To *blank*... I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I will try talking to her and see where this is really going. Till than always remember love is not always among couples. Family and friends are there with love too. Both love towards family, friends and couples is very similar. Only lust does the difference. Don’t be afraid to show love to others. Don’t channel everything towards one direction. If you lose it, then you lose it all. Stay strong, enjoy yourself. Always look at everything positively. If you need a hug or a shoulder to cry, you know what to do. I don’t know if this might help but, you are very much appreciated and loved by me my friend. Keep happy thoughts.
The EventHappy birthday Khalis, your balls turned 18! Ha-ha. What was proposed to be a chilling birthday celebration at Sentosa-Cove turned out to be a exhilarating night at Duxton Road ‘The Arena’. I met new people and learned new stuff. These new ‘friends’ I made are friends of Khalis and they had the most stupidest idea on celebrating their friend’s birthday with a day to his ‘O’ level papers. The birthday boy did not think for himself too. All I could say was ‘DUMB’. If those were his friends, I cannot wait to see his enemies.

At first I was raging with discontentment towards Amin for getting me involved with them and for having such contacts. It all seemed ‘cheap’ for all of this to happen. Soon after continuous apologies and explanation from Amin, I decided that I was wrong about him. I could have dropped everything and walked away. But It was Khalis birthday and I knew if I did walk away Amin would not. I rather stay and suffer just to ensure the safety of my two friends rather than bringing myself to safety first.

Upon entering Duxton road I was greeted with some of the disgusting sights I hope not to see again. Bar-hostess practically selling themselves at the door of a club. I was disgusted and disturbed. Women are known to hold such dignity and are valued to be god themselves. These women abolish the whole reputation. After much bumming around, we went into a ‘pub’ called ‘The Arena’. The smell was awkwardly familiar and the atmosphere was dull. I seated myself in a far corner to avoid the ‘bimbos’ and helped myself to some mixed nuts placed on the table. Among the many guys whom came in with me, this creature being an insult to women came right up to me and made herself comfortable on my laps. She rubbed left and right, everywhere she can trying to excite me. I felt so disgusted with her and myself for being there. I agree as a guy, there was a short spike of excitement in me. But it did not last for more than a minute when I began realising I was in true love. I am in such love that the creature sitting on me forced me to cry inside for my love. For me to not want anything to do with the hostess on top of me. After around 15 minutes of trying, she left to fish for another customer. Sorry to all the guys out there, I know this is weird for a guy to reject such an opportunity. But I am in love, I can’t help it. If you think the hostess would have been a turn-on for you, please check if you are really in love. For me it was a ultimate turn-off.


: Content above is based on my own perspective :

Door Slam

Self-proclaimed prisoner. I am being shunt away by everyone from morning. Now, here blog with my heart mourning. I feel dead. Am I? I feel avoided. Am I? I feel hurt. Yes I am. From the bottom of my heart. I miss a few people. Miss; an expensive word. What happens when one dies? Can they hear us? Can they see us? If they can, “I wish you were here surien, some people seem to be like you now and then. And I get so attached to them to come to a disappointing end”, “I wish you were here dad, everything would be different”, “I wish you were here Raja uncle, I could share everything with you”, “I wish you were here Ramesh Anna, my mentor my guide” Finally, “ I wish at least one of you is here for me. If not, I want to be with you; where ever you are. I want an escape from this treacherous world.” Stupidity I said it was, but with my biggest strength gone emotions are let loose. Why can’t I counsel myself? Is it because I know I am lying when I say there are always people who love me? Is it because my days are getting harder by the minute? Why is it hard to be me? Why do I have to go through this? Despite the many people around me. Despite my family and friends. Why am I reduced to cry out loud on a blog which won’t understand me? Who am I crying out to now? What the hell am I doing? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. My mind is riding a roller coaster down my heart. I see faces, my loved and valued. Where are they? Do they know? What can they do even if they do? Does it matter to anyone? Am I seeking attention? I don’t know. I just see faces, AMIN, VINOTHINI, SUNITHRA, NIROSHA, GOWRI, DHARSHINI, PRAVIN, MY MUM, KANNAN ANNA, SHIYAMALLA ANNI, SAROJINI, SARAVANYA, MANOSH, INDU, SHARVENA, MAHES, SHENA, ROSHINI, MITA, JEEVITHA, DARVIN, ARAVIN, REVATHI, ARCHANNA, MYTHILLI, REVU, LAVANYA AND SO MANY MORE. Where are you? Aren’t we drifting away? I feel avoided. I feel alone. Pardon my words (I feel like a useless piece of crap which everyone hates to be with. I get an impression that I am irritating. I get an impression that I am too much. I get an impression that in the end of the day nobody fucking gives a damn about anything. Is everything a passing cloud? I want to know how people judge me. I want to know how to make people like me. I know I can’t be liked by everyone! But is it wrong for wanting to feel loved by some at least? What is the fucking problem with me? I swear at this moment when I am typing this I am throwing vulgarities at GOD for his great idea of fate for me and all those people I ever loved so much more than anything!) It is not nice to feel alone. It is worse to feel un-loved.

This is the first ever post on my blog which is angrily made. Usually I am against posting angry comments and I think through what I want to say before I do. I have thought about my post the whole day and I still feel the same way so there it is.

Amin I know I am kind of like irritating. Sorry for messaging you so many times and all. I got the hint when you didn’t reply to some of them. Sorry, I thought I had at least one soul to turn to. So sorry, I feel terrible for practically eating your personal space. I am a person with lots of personal space, and mine is filled with friends and mostly you. I made a wrong judgement that it might be the same for you too. Sorry. I have been really PISSED these few days with life. It is getting really hard. I am not angry or whatever when I am typing this segment and all. I just felt like apologising before it gets worse. Sorry i might be talking 'nuts'. Please tell me what is going wrong with us.

Apart from that I am feeling so good about the class gathering that I pray I should die before it. Oh so fun, looking forward to the gathering with all my life, (that is sarcasm! just in case you don't realise)

This is one of the posts where my language is going berserk. Not in the mood. Well that is all for now, hopefully my next post will not be filled with despair too. FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK FATE, FUCK MY LIFE AND FUCK YOU.

Confessions

I submitted my withdrawal application to Republic Polytechnic today. In the corner of my heart I felt sorrowful for my doing. My soul wept lightly when my programme chair approved it immediately after viewing my reason for withdrawal. I hope I made the right choice. God please be with me on this.

After the confusing start of the day, I brought myself to where I find joy. I went to meet Amin and Ernest. A place where I feel at safe and warm; with my friends. Following a chat at Macdonald’s we went to play snooker at a nearby centre. It was lavishly exiting and promising. I think I am getting better at it day by day. Well then again, I ‘think’. Going at 1 hour we dragged on to 2 without realising. Fun never did have its limit there. Soon after it was followed by dinner at a nearby hawker centre. (My craving for hawker food is satisfied now) Just as my drink arrived, Dharshini, Navin and Rev co-incidentally bumped into us. What more can I say? It was all chit chat and laughs for the next hour. Really was a fun time until Rev said “let’s go home”. Bang! It hit the spot. My mood was fluctuating between happy and sad the moment I heard ‘home’. Going back has always been hard for me. A place where I despise to be; away from my friends, away from myself. Walking on the falling mood. I was building up strength to put away the misery and keep up the smile. Eventually I was hit harder. While walking towards the bus-stop. *blank* said “can you like walk further away”, “I feel like ...” I don’t understand why, but those words killed me. My world, happiness and trust just asked me to move away. I must have been that irritating. Sorry. I know what makes me happy, being with my friends; with you. But nowadays I am certainly confused what makes you happy. It almost feels like a day without meaning; on a day without you. There you have heard it *blank*. Now you know, how much you mean to me. Sorry, just too heart-broken to blog much further.

Out of the box: David Archuleta, you are my idol no matter the results today. Nevertheless good luck. I won’t be seeing the results programme, not in a mood to.

I need a hug desperately! Someone give it to me ASAP!

Lonely Sheep.

I was born in the year of the sheep prior to the Chinese zodiac. I cannot suppress myself from being the shepherd among the sheep. Just like the shepherd or the sheep, being with my own kind; friends is where I feel safe and warm. I miss that feeling terribly when I am home. For walking into my home replicates walking into a wolves den. Wolf; a common predator of the sheep. I feel forlorn in my house. There is no sign of love or comfort. It has been like this for almost four years now. Recently it just got worse. My happiness at home has faded away with the old pictures. I now live an empty life, with despair knocking on the door. Perhaps I should change. The current me is not sustained by anyone. I should get rid of compassion and love. I should be selfishly possessive. I should put myself before others. I should learn not to care and love. I should be stone-hearted. I should throw my emotions out the window. I should stop trying to be valued. I should stop being me. Transformation is needed to survive in this atrocious world. I should just be like everyone else. I should be average. Maybe than it would be easier to survive the phase of life. Sometimes I try so hard to understand others; and I fail to understand myself.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated” A very common proverb we all come across। Yet why is it than that I am treated differently? I do not expect totally indifferent accommodation. Nevertheless is it wrong to ask for a little kindness? (SORRY, for asking you to stay over. SORRY, I should not have asked knowing that you won’t come. SORRY, for having hope. SORRY, for wanting company. SORRY, I tried. SORRY, for expecting too much. SORRY, for feeling lonely. I am SORRY.) It hurts to feel lonely. It hurts even more to miss and opportunity of company. It isn’t you, it’s me. Thinking far, tears seem to befriend me.

“What’s going on?” I ask myself. Afraid I can’t answer that. I am losing it. Suddenly everything seems to fall; my hope, my dreams, my strengths, my love, my friends and myself. I need a hug. I need love.

Self- Explanatory

This song, it haunts me. Lyrics torment my every night. This is simply,it.


Maroon 5 ( She will be loved )
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more


I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Hurt

The other world, filled with ambitious dreams and restless desires; where every minute detail is under control. A world where fate fears to reside, satisfactory is in every corner and joy is infinite. This world I speak about exists in each and every heart. It provides comfort and support when we are low. Every child lives in this innocent world before exiting the sphere of happiness to realize itself and the dreadful true world. Whenever we try to look into the future, memories of the world we used to live as a child in becomes a figment of imagination. Thus we carve the steps, drive ourselves and grow all our live to make our imagination true. Indeed it appears to be our own fairytale.

I have a dream of my own. My own little perfect fairytale. Where I am respected as an individual, where my name rings a bell in every beings mind. A recognised face, a popular square. This seems all too hard-headed and unrealistic. But isn’t it almost everyone’s darkest desire to be on top of everyone else? To be important and famous? I bet one would not turn down and opportunity to become all of that even if it might portray the person as stuck-up and ‘hard-headed’. I am just different, I rather openly express my ambitions rather than suffocate myself with it. I am a person who can never tolerate feeling average or un-important. I can see humble is not my term of accomplice but it does not mean that I want the rest of the world to be below me. I just want to be in that certain respectable level degree where I am recognised as a successful individual. This might not be vividly understandable. But I decided to give it a shot. This is me and my childhood world. Seemingly without going to school, without going to work. Without an opportunity to shine I feel less important and I have had enough of those senseless remarks from the people around me. As a matter of fact what gives you under-achieved people with no better standards other than age the right to comment on my lifestyle? I agree to have left my polytechnic education and to be relentlessly wasting a week away. If that has given you an impression to comment “he is just sitting at home wasting life, good for nothing fellow”. I have two words for you. FUCK OFF. I have already started studying for ‘A’ Levels and I am sure to get into a college next year. I am not sitting at home doing nothing. I have lots of responsibilities and I am not obliged to explain them to you. And of course, my social life is none of your concerns. And finally, look at your disgusting background and wasteful infants before you talk about me.

Well leaving that as it is, another issue is strangling me now. I don’t wish to mention your name. Let’s just say ‘bitch’. I understand your relationship is undergoing a terrible storm now. But what have I done? These past few days, I am being indirectly shoved away. Why? Infuriating answers are given to my questions. So I deserve to be in the blues of yet another friendship? Frankly I feel used. All those times ‘I need you to do this’, are they just for a matter of education. Is that what I am in your life? An educational ladder where you step and use to get where you want to and to hell with it thereafter? What am I? I do not deviate to the fact that I was more than just a friend to help before. But now, the only topic we get about is studies. Why? I am not asking you to talk about stuff. But why hide? Don’t tell me why you are troubled; it is really ok. But why disagree that you are troubled when you apparently are. I am not going to force an explanation if you do not want to tell. But why in the world don’t I deserve to just stand by your side when you are down. I don’t need to know what is troubling you; I just want to stand by. I feel shunt off and wasted my friend. I am terribly hurt. Thank you.

I need a big hug. Someone send it to me, PLEASE!

Again

You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine.

You make me happy,

when skies are grey.

You don't know my dear,

how much i love you.

Please don't take,

my sunshine away...

Intentions

Credits to a pleasant morning. Went to Vivo City to catch a movie with Amin and Ernest. Despite my struggle trying to convince them to watch ‘Forbidden Kingdom’, disappointment surged. We ended up watching ‘What happens in Vegas’ instead. The message of the movie came across well. Applause to the movie and crew for creating a beautiful spectrum of love and its value. Yet, it was too predictable causing a down-punch on the climax. I would give it 3 out of 5 stars preferably. Emotions were stirred up. Other than the movie there were other issues going on beside me. To Whom It May Concern; I know something is wrong, I know you are hurt, I know my limits and I won’t ask why. But please just lean back on me if you need to. No reason needed, no explanations required. A hug is always there, just ask!

Well slightly out of the blue topic there, it is just a message for a friend of mine whom thinks I gave up. I see the call for some happiness among this dull posting. Here is an e-mail I received. Pretty funny apparently.

GIFT
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week,
company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport
and wishes her to have a good Trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey,
what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks
her up in the airport and asks:

"So, honey, How was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could;
now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously Intelligent!


Haha. I had a good laugh reading that. Got to go offer my respect to the television soon. Goodnight.

The Search

An uninvited guest; boredom resided in me. Woke up at 3.30pm just in time for lunch, squandered my time on television till evening and eventually went out to dinner with Amin. It feels simply atrocious to stay home and waste my time away. I feel like a loafer and I mean it. I frantically need a job to occupy my time. Dropping out of school was a dreadful mistake for this year I suppose. Nevertheless it will prove to be a good investment in the year to come. Apart from all of this, a deafening question troubles me now. Amin asked me “what is it that I really want?” Honestly I am afraid to answer this question as for now there is a slight misconception in my confidence to go to a Junior College. On the other hand I am feeding my confidence with the remnants of self motivation I have left. What I want now; perhaps it is more distinguished to say what I want and need now, is to go to a Junior College. I might not be able to substantiate my theory but it clearly makes sense to me and my ulterior motives. What I want in the future is yet to be visualized with a million pixels. Sure there is a minute draft on my mind but I am yet to add colour and life to it. I fully understand the necessity to fix my ambition now, but my fickle intentions tend to wander away from my interests after a period of time. Thus, deciding on what to do as I climb up my education ladder or even to grow to like my options towards a fulfilling life as I venture further would be a healthier choice now.

Some questions were asked and answered today. Some taught me about myself indeed. Now I got a few questions myself. Amin, are you sure you know where you are headed towards? Assuming you have the same level of confidence as the start of the year and presuming you know what you are doing, you would probably feel that you are on the right track. Well if your confidence and path towards what you want is right, you should be where you want to be by now. But are you? From ambitious words of getting ‘A1’ for science it is now ‘I am going to drop science’, is this where you assumed you will be heading towards in the start of the year? Has your drive and hard work gotten you anywhere near your aspiration? I am not trying to hurt you or criticize your motives, I am trying to be a good friend. Better hurt now than kill later. There is nothing wrong in your time and effort put in. In fact it is more than essential to excel. Yet why is it that what you study does not stay with you? Or what is of more content and influence running in your mind and heart? Ask these questions and they will lead to more queries. I can only make assumptions; only you can find the answer. Change what is needed to be changed before it is ‘too late’. Don’t feel hurt my friend, I just need you to think. To round it all up “can you handle yourself in terms of control and navigation”, “can you push yourself to what you want?” and finally “is it worth to risk it by handling yourself at this juncture?” These last few questions may be confusing and contradictable, think over it and you might get what I mean. When you have read up to here, I can picture the frown on your face. Cool down and relax, get a few laughs before you start to think. Hope I helped. And of course, CONGRATULATIONS on your accounts results .I am in high spirits. Honestly, I did tear inside. Keep up the good work. Leaving that as food for thought, I shall render my mind to a movie now.



P.S : Boring days, please GO AWAY!

Season Of Love

There are some questions I fear to ask myself. The worst of them all is ‘let go?’ I have tried my very best to fertilize a dying plant; my friendship. Regardless of my efforts the plant refuses to live. Is time I let go? Won’t I be morally scarred? I would then have successfully contradicted my own perspective of long lasting friends. Were all those words child play? “My best man at the wedding”, “ten years down the road, your Lamborghini and my Lexus....” All these are still fresh in my memory yet it all cedes to be true now. I don’t know if I can, but I must vigour myself to let go. Or must I?

Apart from that issue clouding the back of my head, my day today was smooth. Despite my effort to wake up at my convenience, Amin ticked the cuckoo clock in my head. A call from him in the morning was astounding indeed. I greeted his call with a smile on my face. Indeed I was happy to hear from him. Hours later I was on my couch watching ‘Desperate Housewives’ marathon telecasted on Star World, with peace and at ease. My mum had gone to visit her mum in regards to Mother’s day and by God’s grace my brother went along with her. I was the captain and the crew; alone at home. To my surprise I received another call from Amin. Two casual calls in a day. Wow. Contented and pleased. Soon after I dragged myself to Granny’s place for a family gathering. As much as I hate to be involved in this, I was left with no choice. On the way I made another casual call to Amin. Note: Third call. The gathering did not turn out to be too bad in the end. I notoriously stuffed myself with seafood and sugarcane juice. To top it all, a Belgian waffle with chocolate fondue. After the extravagant dinner, I strolled back to my Granny’s place to have a BBQ party with the neighbours. On the way back a ringing on my phone made me smirk and laugh out blissfully. Yet another casual call from Amin. It was around 12.30am before the Mother’s Day BBQ party ended. By then I was bloated up. Took a cab back home, and here I am blogging this. I quote this as a joyful day for me. Among all this hustles I can’t stop to wonder, why the sudden alluring affection from Amin? Four casual calls, shockingly 3 from Amin. I am not questioning your affection or thoughts; I am very happy and grateful for them indeed. On the contrary I hope this has nothing to do with the days to come from 19th, I hope this is not a temperamental diversion for satisfactory. Nevertheless, thank you for your calls and thoughts today, looking forward for more of this ‘new’ you. Not weary yet, I presume I will devout myself to the television for now. Good day, Good food, Good travel, Good friend. That is all for now, happy mother’s day once again.

Since it turned May 12 by the time i finished this post. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!! I LOVE YOU.

God's gift

God has some duties. To create, love and protect. A mother has similar duties too. My definition of god’s form is a mother herself. And I see my mum to be the greatest of them all. A woman whom places her children’s “wants” before her own “needs”. I have seen parents whom give importance to their child’s needs and give up their own; my mum on the other hand gives up her own needs even if it is just to satisfy my wants. Sure there are misunderstandings with her. Her point of view ceases to tally with mine. Nevertheless amity is attained in the end. A woman whom never fails to express her love. Being a mother is hard enough, being a good mother is even harder. I am proud to say that I have not only gotten a mother but a good one indeed. Apart from providing me with a lavish lifestyle which I don’t deserve she also never fails to shower me with love, care and concern. Love is often shown through anger from my mum and sometimes in a pep talk manner, either way it is from pure love. A woman whom never gives up. Determination and perseverance is grandly devoted in my mum. Being a single parent after my father deceased, she has never given up on her duties as a mum and a dad. She fights all day to provide me with a grand living to match up to my dad’s giving. Despite her own health problems she has come this far in supporting my every decision, standing with me, cleaning up my mistakes and loving me all the way. Indeed I can daringly boast that my mum is a hero in my life and she is an exemplary to all the future mothers to come. I LOVE YOU MUM. You are always appreciated deep in my heart. Have a Splendid Mother’s Day. You deserve all the rights to it. My mum; my god.

Heart And Mind

My friends my world.

Nirosha
It is funny, the way we met. Not knowing we are related flirtatious remarks we passed. After realising our family ties, embarrassing looks were passed. We got along so easily like fire and cotton. Never have I bonded so quick and deep. From that day till now, you are on the top of my list for all loved ones. Being family, and friend you are my favourite. No one till date has beaten your record. I love it when we talk for hours and yet never run out of topics to talk about. There are times I felt like keeping things from you. Despite the effort your eyes make me talk. Every day I think of you, I think of the things I want to tell you. I usually miss you even right after we just met. I can say one thing for sure, I don’t have enough of you in my life. My all rounder. Sister, Friend and Idol.
YOU ARE NUMBER 1.

Amin
The loved one, I say my friend. From barely knowing each other we have come reasonably far. From every look and word I ‘believe’ I understand you. Nevertheless as fate recites, I fear losing you thru space and time. I don’t know why this sudden chill always creeps up my hind every time you’re hurt. You are my most valued friend I should simply say. Sure there are disappointments popping here and there, yet I treasure every day and night. Miss you I do, every second we are apart. For I am devoutly convenient with you on my side. In times I needed a punching bag, you served as one taking all my moody remarks. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your love. I will never cease to be there in times of despair. All you got to do is give me a look and I will know. Say no words, show no reason as I know deep inside when you are troubled. Apart from all this flourishing stuff, I fear we are drifting further apart. Say it out loud, don’t be shy. Before it’s too late to look back at the past. I LOVE YOU MY FRIEND.

Gowri
Oh what joy I fall into just from thinking of you. All despair, every trouble vanishes when I am with you. Life has no limits and neither does fun. Memories of you bring nothing but smiles. Thank heavens for you, I have laughter in my life. I miss our “block meetings” every night I swear. Looking forward for more joys to come. What can I say more? I would die to be with you my friend. Simply to say I love you lots. I find myself going into a sphere of magic bringing back my childhood when I am with you. Free to be my inner child, there is no other who has seen that side of me I swear. No circumstances nor conditions to portray myself when I am by your side. I can unleash myself from the mask I wear, and be who I want to be without fear. Thank you my friend for letting me be who I am, I treasure you from the bottom of my heart. YOU ARE THE BEST.

Pravin
The days are gone or will they return? I miss you badly for crying out loud. I have hurt you, I know I did. I am sorry for all that I did. You mean alot to me my friend. I miss your calls and our laughs. You were there sitting quietly beside me during my darkest days. You were there laughing with me during my brightest times. You were there through thick and thin. You were there from the start. I don’t know how much I mean to you, but you were once the world to me my friend. Thank you for all those wonderful times. I am deeply sorry for my pricking words, it was a moment of anger and motive to hurt you. I now see that it went too far. Time can’t be reversed nor can my words. I am sorry. With tears every night it is true I miss you, never have I cried out loud for a parting friend. Somehow this seems worse than everything else. I want the old days back, I need them. It can’t be achieved overnight I understand. But I am willing to sacrifice all the time it takes, just to be as it was again. I MISS YOU BEST MAN.

Faith

May the best way be shown god, may it be favourable. This is what I prayed for and I presume it contradicts itself. The best way for me may not be favourable indeed. Deliberately a choice has been made for a greater good. I was rejected admission into Yishun Junior College just a few minutes ago. The vice-principal has stated it was apparently too late this year. Nevertheless I am assured to get a place the following year. This seems to be the only light in all the darkness indulging me now. Furthermore he has also offered to guide me with notes and materials necessary in order to ‘get the hang’ before next year. Amity is reached by us I should say. I implicate this as my actual start towards my dreams. Till I reach the soft subtle shores upfront, there is an uttermost condition to sail pass a stormy year. I am going to neglect the comments which come my way and offer nothing but discrepancy to any negative setbacks. My only vision will be my ambition.

Leaving that aside, I got to find a job now to avoid the relentless times to come. For now I am in need of peace and relaxation, both unattainable at home. Going outdoor soon, looking for inspirations.

A New Start

First impressions play a judicial part in our life. Others judge us, and we judge others. Do we actually have this right to conclude about another? That is some food for thought I would say. Nevertheless I was placed upon a dilemma to create a confident and sophisticated first impression on Monday. It all began from me deciding not to ponder over an ‘unrecognised’ interest of mine, in this case my diploma course and deciding to head towards what I foresee to be a brighter future. I decided to take the ‘A’ Levels instead. I had walked into Yishun Junior College for a discussion with their vice-principal. My goal was to get an admission in the college. However so, being setback by 5 months compared to most of the students it is almost of a miracle for the school to accommodate to me now. Regardless of their opinions I have verbalised my competency and drive of motivation to impress their vice-principal. After much convincing the vice-principal decided to debate it over with a few teachers. With diminutive satisfactory I am now waiting for a call from the school. I jolt every time my phone rings till I see a recognisable number on the caller-id. I am here still waiting for the call, praying for favourable news.

Leaving that aside, I have already started studying economics. It will be one of the subject I am taking for ‘A’ levels. I will get into a Junior College either this year or the next thus, it is beneficial for me start now. I have already given up most of my social activities, in lieu to preparing myself for struggling in college. My only form of expressive relaxation might be just this blog thereafter.I hope to keep this going as far as I can. Well that is enough cheese for one day I guess. Wishing myself luck for tomorrow.